Grieving a Lost Pet | Reflections
This weekend, I lost Oscar, my Russian tortoise in Fort Campbell. One of the gates to my wooden fence was unknowingly left ajar. I couldn't find him in my yard, and I've come to accept that he's most likely lost.
His lost was actually foreshadow yesterday afternoon, when he wandered off because my daughter left the gate opened while we were digging for worms in front of our gate for fishing, and fortunately our neighbor found him right away and alerted us.
I'm praying to God that lighting strikes twice, and we find him again.
Often when people grieve about pets, it's because pets have died, but there is another type of loss that is just as heartbreaking and significant — the loss of a missing pet.
Every day, our beloved pets go missing.
It's especially devastating because unlike death, you do not get the ambiguity of "closure" because there's always hope of getting it back. This hope is a double-edge sword; with death, there's a finality so that you can eventually heal, but with lost/missing pets there's no finality and always a slim possibility of continuous hope that seems impossible as more time passes.
Available statistics do suggest that, thankfully, many dogs and cats are reunited with their owners within approximately twelve weeks. For some though, reunification may never occur — especially when the pet is not as common as a dog or cat.
Coming to terms with a loss of a companion can be extremely difficult and stressful. When a pet goes missing, owners may be faced with many unanswered questions and feelings that takes a long time to work through.
You may be faced with many unanswered questions surrounding the fate of your beloved animal and this can make closure very difficult.
In addition to feelings of sadness and loneliness, you may experience intense feelings of fear, guilt and anger. If a pet has wandered from home and not returned, there may be fears for their safety. If a beloved pet escaped through an unlatched gate for example, pet parents may be left with feelings of guilt. They may be haunted by the "only if..." loops of tormenting themselves.
There may also be feelings of anger.
A pet may be feared stolen and the anger may be directed at whoever found them and never returned them. Anger may also be directed at another household member if they had unknowingly left a gate or door open.
The grief experienced from a lost animal can be described as ambiguous grief. A particularly stressful type of grief. Again, because there's no finality like death, and there's always the possibility of being reunited, however unlikely it may seem.
It's a torturous kind of hope.
It can be a stressful kind of loss that some people find very difficult to resolve.
There are several reasons why ambiguous loss experienced from a missing pet can be particularly difficult. The loss is often unexpected and sudden so there is no opportunity to say good-bye. This form of loss may also not be openly recognized by others, especially when it's not a traditional companion like a dog or cat.
There is ambiguity surrounding the loss because, while the pet is physically absent, they may still be alive, but the bond with the pet has still been broken and a loss has still occurred.
Pet owners may also find this loss particularly difficult because they may fear that having "closure" means giving up on finding their pet. This, however, does not have to be the case. It is still possible to regain a sense of peace without giving up on them. Sadly, if this loss is not resolved, pet owners may experience the pain of grief for many years.
Recognize that ambiguous grief must be expressed and processed just like any other loss. This, of course, can be easier said than done especially if a pet has gone missing because of something like an open gate, for example.
It is, however, important to remember that for someone to be truly "guilty" there must be intent — for example, a lot of people who adopt dogs/cats or get puppies/kittens sometimes intentionally lose them when they're no longer wanted. It's the same as abandoning them, but done in such a way as to justify the action... like, intentionally leaving a window open, a door unlocked, a dog unleashed, etc. — with the expectation of the animal disappearing on its own. So that person did not "abandoned" the animal in the literal sense, and are able to justify the outcome by convincing themselves it was an act of chance or fate that made the pet disappear.
That is true guilt.
We are human, and being human means that we make mistakes. Unless you wanted to lose your pet, you'll need to find a way to work through your guilt and blame. Sometimes it can be comforting to write about it. Putting your thoughts and feelings down in written words can be very healing. This can help you to gain a sense of control over the event and make sense of your experiences.
Without news of the fate of your pet, closure may be difficult and gradual, or it may not occur at all — and that is completely okay too. You do not have to give up on your pet and forget about them for you to move forward and readjust to life without their presence. Coping may just be your ability to accept the ambiguity of not knowing. It may also be your ability to be at peace with the coping of loss and the possibility that they are alive and may someday return.
There are many pet loss and missing pet support groups available online through social media. If you cannot find one that is the right fit for you, you could start your own support group in honor of your beloved pet.
These groups can provide both validation and support during this stressful time. Social support is really important at this time. Seek support from those who understand and validate your loss. If you’re finding the loss of your missing pet overwhelming, it may help to speak with a professional who specializes in loss and coping.
Grief is so powerful.
It can be a very difficult process to overcome... but, there are many who have shared the same experiences, and that really does help to have that connection, even if you never receive any closure.
